© 2023 by The Pleasure Principal

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Amy M. Baker

Intimacy Expert, Sex & Relationship Doula

By appointment only

Seattle: Leschi & Capital Hill

Video sessions worldwide

206/325.5129 ofc

206/753.8676 mbl

Take the first step now.

Couples' Mediation. Parent-Teen Mediation. Difficult conversations. The language of productive conflict. Repairing relationships.

CONFLICT

WE DO INTIMACY

Clients who have good results with me are clients who have a real desire to connect with the root of their own needs, and understand that in order to be in positive, productive relationship with Other, understanding the root needs of Self and Other creates a loop that stays activated through continuous, mindful energy toward that circuit.

Mediated Marital/Relational Conversations

In lieu of ongoing couples' therapy, or as an addendum to, Mediated Conversations for couples entrusts a Neutral to listen to a conflict (e.g., he doesn't listen to me, she doesn't act like she loves me, they don't seem that connected anymore, they don't care that I'm dying on the vine here...) and help each individual move the conversation forward by helping each party hear what the underlying need is to the complaint.

Desire Discrepancy, Low Libido, Erectile issues, Biome Changes in the Vagina... and the like

Partners with varying levels of libido or desire can talk about their needs and their desires while also learning skills for how to stay in connection. Many couples find this to be a difficult conversation. I'm here to help with the conversation, as well as with negotiations that necessarily must occur, without one partner feeling badgered and/or the other partner feeling shame over what has come to feel like badgering. 

Staying Connected for Couples
with Infants & Young Children 

It is hard to fathom how much a baby is going to change your relationship to your partner, and how lonely that can be. Research shows that children fare better on scales related to depression, academic performance, resilience, and adaptability when they grow up in households with two parents (as long as there is not high conflict or violence involved). Being able to offer a stable and loving home environment for children really starts before their birth.

 

When couples get in front of the developmental, schedule, and sleep shifts that are commonplace after baby, they are able to use a rational thought process to stay intentional about their relationship and pragmatic about how much and for how long it may shift. It is going to happen one way or another. Self-selecting to plan for it is much easier than acknowledging a problem and reacting to it long after the fact. Maintain communication and deepen intimacy with guided somatic practice, family planning, and parent education on navigating relational and familial conflict.

When You Miss Each Other's Love Language

If I take out the garbage faithfully, daily, for a decade because my love language is Acts of Service, but feel an undersurge of resentment because you keep leaving the cap off the toothpaste, I may be missing your Love Language and you may be missing mine. Couples come and complain about how much they do for or want one another, but don't feel seen, appreciated, or understood. These are couples who are working hard at their connection to one another but who miss that they work from the perspective of how each of them, respectively, would like to be appreciated. Understanding your Love Language, how you relate, how you like to be seen, how you like to show your affection frequently have to do with early childhood attachments. Understanding your attachment style, the need for individuation within relationship, and the skills for repair are necessities to every relationship.

Your Kinks, My Hang-Ups, & Vice Versa

Some like it hot. Some like it a little different. Partnered or not, it can be difficult to bring up the things that really rev you up if you have not a) found your language for it, b) accepted it yourself, or c) have a hang-up that includes shame around it. 

Infidelity & Ethical Non-Monogamy

How to discuss the terms of your relational agreement when someone feels betrayed or someone feels entitled. "'Til death us do part" is an archaic, all-encompassing excuse NOT to have a conversation. People shift, desires shift, health shifts, attraction shifts. Staying in contract becomes more of a prison instead of a choice. Discuss the choices you make every single day. Discuss them openly and with care because by the time you are so fed up that you no longer care about the heart of the one you chose that time so many years ago, there is so much work to do to repair that giving up may become the only out. And then there you are, doing this with someone else.

 

When someone believes that Life would be so much better with someone else, without the battle axe, without the weight of the wreck of this current relational state, I always say, "New Wo/Man, New Shit." You will still be you. Your problem-solving remains stagnant until you learn how to make repair, how to have difficult conversations, how to stay in difficult conversations, how you accept your part and no more, and still love your partner in spite of theirs. It becomes about how well you begin to understand what you brought down with you through your family's transgenerational legacy of grief, shame, trauma, and how well you begin to have compassion for that legacy that you carried witlessly into your own life that you planned on making better. It becomes about the compassion you have for your partner and the way they did the same thing.

 

In the end, it is about how well you loved, how well you lived, how well you forgave, and how well you let things go in order to stay with the occupation of living in your fullest representation of Self and Other.

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